Guessing Ridiculous News Headlines

-Now, usually when we start
the show, I’ll come out here
and I’ll discuss, you know,
whatever’s on my mind.
But tonight I’m gonna try
something a little different.
Yep. I’m gonna talk about
what’s on the news.
[ Cheers and applause ]
But here’s the thing.
I don’t actually relate to
the news. Okay?
In fact, I think it’s boring.
Straight up.
So I’m gonna try to make
the news a little less boring
by having my writing team
find some news headlines
and then I’m gonna guess
what the actual news story is.
And y’all are gonna help me.
Cool? Should we do this? Okay.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let’s see how many
we can get right.
Okay, the first one.
“Nestle announce that it’s
launching a new product”
which is either “A,”
luxury Kit-Kat bars.
B, organic hot cocoa.
Or C, a lifetime supply
of chocolate
for a one-time price of $5,000.
I don’t know. That’s tough.
What do you guys think?
What do you think?
What do you think?
What do you think?
[ Audience shouting ]
I feel like my common sense says
it has to be organic hot cocoa.
[ Buzzer ]
-What is it?
-It’s luxury Kit-Kat bars.
-Stop it! Stop it! What?!
Hold on, hold on.
Luxury Kit-Kat bars?
There’s no way that’s real.
-Oh, it is.
They’re $17 a bar, and there’s
a bunch of different flavors.
-$17 a bar?! No, no.
-True story.
-Okay. See, this is the thing.
Three months from now,
rappers are gonna be bragging
about their $17 Kit-Kats, okay?
They’re gonna be singing like,
“Yo, three layers of wafers,
you know it’s kind of crispy,
snapping bars in the club,
’cause you know
I’m kind of tipsy.
Hey, hey, hey.”
[ Cheers and applause ]
Give me a break.
Okay, you see what I did there?
Give me a break?
You get — I’m so smart!
[ Laughter ]
Okay. Let’s do the next one.
Okay, here we go.
Y’all having a great time. Good.
[ Laughter ]
“‘Two and a Half Men’s’
Jon Cryer says
he didn’t lose his virginity to”
“A,” Molly Ringwald.
B, Demi Moore.
Or C, Charlie Sheen.
[ Laughter ]
What do y’all think?
[ Audience shouting ]
Demi Moore, Demi Moore.
I think it’s Demi Moore.
[ Ding ]
-You got it. It’s Demi Moore.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-But also wait. Hold on.
Why are we following
news stories
about people
who didn’t have sex?
[ Laughter ]
Isn’t that the opposite of news?
If not having sex
gets you a headline,
I should’ve been famous
a long time ago.
[ Laughter ]
I’m just saying.
Alright, last one. Last one.
We got to get this right, okay?
Here we go.
“An 11-year-old steals family
car, drives 200 miles to meet”
“A,” Shawn Mendes.
B, YouTube star JoJo Siwa.
Or C, a stranger from Snapchat.
[ Audience shouting ]
Wait, wait, wait. I feel
like this a trick question.
Because unless this 11-year-old
is, like, really frickin’ cool,
are all those people
not strangers on Snapchat?
[ Laughter ]
What do y’all think?
[ Audience shouting ]
Okay, I agree.
I think 11-year-old — I think
it’s got to be B, JoJo Siwa.
[ Buzzer ]
Don’t do like this, Daniel.
[ Laughter ]
-What was it?
-It was a stranger
from Snapchat.
[ Audience ohs ]
What happened to
not talking to strangers?
-You were kind of right.
-Do parents not teach their kids
this anymore?
[ Laughter ]
200 miles? Sounds like a lot.
Like, what’s your Tinder radius?
Come on, geez.

69 Replies to “Guessing Ridiculous News Headlines”

  1. Anybody else been scanning the audience for Euro-blood (white) guys? Watched about 10 clips, so far, 1 dude. ?

  2. I've taken shits more enjoyable than watching this drivel. I can never get this time back. F*ck this unfunny, talentless hack

  3. Not funny. Like, at all… I had mumps back in 2013 and my left testicle swoll up to the size of an orange.. It was absolute agony, yet it still was funnier than this utter garbage.

  4. If you carefully examine the cutting to the audience after the “hilarious joke” you can see it’s not synced which means this is fake and gay

  5. Oh Lilly I really used to love your work? What happend to you after your TV show debut? Why can't you just learn from your mistakes? You are not funny anymore. Don't try to act like someone you are not

  6. I work as a firefighter. And i recently had to attend a tragedy where a poor family had their power disconnected and were using candles for light. A candle fell over in the night and burnt the house down killing all occupants including a young mother her two children and even their puppy. That incident was 100× funnier than this show. I'd rather attend 1000 such incidents before ever witnessing a second of this garbage so called comedy again. Everyone involved should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

  7. Ok i know i might be wrong but pls hear me out!! She has SO many yt friends right?? So what if she calls them..i mean come onnn…that would be so cool and she gonna be the first to do it!! Not sayin no to celebs tho??

  8. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! this is so bad it is funny! she never did stand up for sure or an open mic night… this is so lame XD

  9. We love and support you, but we got high af and we think you should grow the f up and should leave IISuperWomanII behind you and start doing this show as Lilly. Don't worry, you got this!! Lots of love ❤️ – Two pessimists

  10. Does anyone else feel nauseated?
    This woman causes me great, gastrointestinal discomfort.
    That laugh track is dope tho.

  11. CNN: Young man in MAGA hat attacks Native American Indians
    Actual story: The young man just stood there as the Native American Indian annoyed him

  12. The thing with all these shows is that the whole thing is planned out like we already know she knows which one is right and wrong and the jokes are just SO BAD. Like I can't the jokes just were not funny at all imo.

  13. She's doing so amazing omg
    I wasnt able to watch her live and thiss the first clip ever i see from her show and damn
    Gurl you're absolutely killing it ,i love you so much, keep taking care of yourself

  14. Heya people, need to know about the music at the end of the video. Been googling about it but got nothing. A lil help. Thanks

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