Huge News for the First Same-Sex Couple on “Bachelor in Paradise” – Lights Out with David Spade

In devastating news,
Bachelor in Paradise’s
first same-sex couple
have decided to break
their engagement.
-Wow, wow.
-I’m shocked to my very core.
I can’t believe
that didn’t last forever.
Yeah. I can’t believe
a-a fabricated relationship
on a show that’s trying
to get ratings didn’t work.
Yeah. Well, I-I don’t know how
to feel about this breakup.
Like bisexuality,
I could go either way.
-RANDY: Yeah. -BARBER: Hey.
-And I need a lot of attention.
I want a lot of attention
for that.
Going back
to their first love: fame.
I mean, what do they do
in this situation?
Do they split
the Instagram followers?
-Yeah, I don’t know how they…
-I mean,
they’re so…
They need a mediator.
She gets them
every other weekend.
-I think that’s with Instagram
followers. -SPADE: Oh, okay.
-Yeah, she gets them every other
weekend. -SPADE: That’s not bad.
She’s gonna go on
The Snatchlorette.
-Did you hear that?
-Oh, I didn’t know that.
-Did anybody hear that?
-Oh, that was good.
-SPADE: That’s not bad, right?
-One good one’s good.
-That’s right. -SPADE: That’s
not bad. I get one every…
-One every… Yeah, okay.
-Between commercials?
Um, but I feel like, uh…
Oh, this is
about something else.
Later, I have to do this. Okay.
Sorry. Um, no, but…
-What is this in your
personal life here? -Yeah.
-Yeah, this is, like, real…
-It has nothing to do
with the show.
That’s just other things.
Remind me to get
more checkered pants.
Um, Delta Air Lines–
no, but this is a hot story–
has decided to restore
the previously edited out
lesbian sex scene
from the movie Booksmart.
Box cutters banned.
Box lovers are okay.
-Randy, you and Jason…
-RANDY: Uh… yes.
…have been mistaken
for lesbians.
What is your…
thoughts on this?
I love when you walk down
an airplane aisle
and you see, like,
a guy watching soft-core porn
next to a kid watching
Dora the Explorer.
And the guy is definitely
learning more Spanish.
Dónde está el G-spot?
-Finger, no finger.
-So dumb.
All right, so…
Wait, well, I…
Here’s the thing.
-SPADE: Yes.
-If you go on Spirit Air,
they add in gay sex scenes
on Spirit Air.
-BARBER: That’s right.
-To everything. That…
Their Incredibles is incredible,
I’m just gonna say that.
-The mom is so stretchy.
-So is the dad.
That’s what I’m trying to say.
I get scared
’cause when I’m watching that,
I have to take the two SkyMalls
and wall it up.
People… ‘Cause…
People in the aisle,
if you’re in the aisle,
they’re always, like,
eyeballing your e-mail.
“What’s going on up there?”
And I’m like…
You bend down. Light dimmer.
You got to…
you got to put the porn back in.
-You have to.
-SPADE: The porn in.
Well, and the sex scenes back in
because it’s like,
there’s nothing like a cry wank
when you’re that high
in the sky.
-Cry wank.
-SPADE: A what?
-Cry wank.
-Cry wank.
-Cry wank.
-What does that mean?
-When you’re crying
and then you have a wank,
and then you go to sleep.
-So, you feel… Yeah. -What
I do every day after the show.
-Yeah, yes.
-So Wednesday for you.
-Yeah. -Yeah. -That’s
the Australian mile high club.
-That’s right? -Exactly.
Cry and do it yourself.
-Please do it.
-Nothing like a cry wank.
-Well, we’re learning something.
-Yeah. -We are.
-You’re all very welcome.
-Thank you.
Yeah. Appreciate that.
-(cheering and applause)
-Tonight, uh…
We’re learning all about…
I might have a cry wank
right after this show.
-I, uh…
-I’m currently having one.
-Thank you.
-Oh, wow. -Yeah.
(trills tongue) Uh,
McDonald’s has fired the CEO
-after he had a relationship
with an employee. -Ooh.
Apparently there was
a Chicken McTug-it situation.
-BARBER: Hey. -Oh!
-No, there was.
-Yes. -Hey.
-Should we keep going?
-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah. -He…
This guy puts the “D”
in Mickey D’s.
-Folks, I am getting up.
-BARBER: Hey, you’re done.
I heard he used, uh…
His condoms were McRibbed
for his pleasure.
-(laughter and applause)
-I’m not even gonna try,
-really, that.
-I know.
Her biggest complaint
was that his Big Mac came
with too much special sauce.
-A lot of special sauce.
And who was… I want to know
who he was (bleep).
-Who? Was it, like, a…
-SPADE: I know. -An employee.
Yeah, but, like,
why is it so bad?
Was he…
Was it an underage boy?
‘Cause that’s only allowed
in the Catholic Church.
-So… You know what I mean?
-I think it was…
-He’ll get moved
to a different McDonald’s
by the Catholic Church.
It was bad, ’cause every time
he had sex with her,
-he made her Grimace.
-JASON: Yeah, that is, uh…
We all want to (bleep)
the Hamburglar, so…
-SPADE: The Ham…?
-RANDY: I think he…
-I think he tried to slip her
his severance package. -Folks…
You know, this is what
brought down Mayor McCheese.

28 Replies to “Huge News for the First Same-Sex Couple on “Bachelor in Paradise” – Lights Out with David Spade”

  1. What's the big deal? He works for McDonalds. That status quo is just to put the meat in the buns and add some sauce. He did his job if you ask me.

  2. Spade is the only genuine late night host these days

    And Conan


    “Something Real” by Little Us

    The uplifting Rock ballad you didn’t know you needed..

    Worked so hard on this so if you like the music vid pleaseee let me know and thanks 🖤🙏

  3. Since my opinion matters the most, I must say that these videos consistently make me violently chuckle. Therefore, I am nominating this channel for the award of "Funniest YouTube Channel Around Not Counting My Own Channel Award.

  4. By the way stupid GLAAD is having a major wet dream over this same sex garbage like a mother fucker. They need to settle down and shut up. 🤣None of them defend straight people.

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