No News Is Trump News


LET’S GET STRAIGHT TO IT.
AS USUAL, THERE’S ONE BIG ORANGE
STORY TONIGHT, DONALD TRUMP.
(LAUGHTER)
HE’S THE PRESUMPTIVE G.O.P.
NOMINEE, BUT THERE ARE A FEW
PEOPLE HE STILL HAS TO WIN OVER.
FOR INSTANCE, EVERYONE IN THE
G.O.P.
(LAUGHTER)
BUT TODAY THE HEALING BEGAN.
TRUMP WENT DOWN TO WASHINGTON TO
MEET WITH SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
PAUL RYAN IN A HIGH-LEVEL
SUMMIT, AFTER WHICH RYAN SEEMED
VERY ENCOURAGED.
>>I THINK WE HAD A VERY
ENCOURAGING MEETING.
I WAS VERY ENCOURAGED WITH WHAT
I HEARD.
I WAS VERY ENCOURAGED.
AGAIN, I’M VERY ENCOURAGED.
THIS IS A FIRST, VERY
ENCOURAGING MEETING.
AGAIN, I’M VERY ENCOURAGED.
I’M, I’M, I’M VERY ENCOURAGED.
>>STEPHEN: SOUNDS VERY
ENCOURAGED.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING)
ONLY ONE WORD FOR IT,
ENCOURAGED.
ENCOURAGED, ENCOURAGED.
YOU KNOW, YOU SAY A WORD OVER
AND OVER AGAIN, IT DOESN’T MEAN
ANYTHING ANYMORE.
HAND ME THE DICTIONARY NOW.
ENCOURAGED.
ENCOURAGED.
ENCOURAGED.
ENCOURAGED.
ENCOURAGED.
ENCOURAGED.
ENCOURAGED.
ENCOURAGED.
HERE WE GO.
MEANINGLESS WORD MEANING SHEER
PANIC.
OKAY.
SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THE SAME MOTION WITH WHAT TRUMP
IS GOING TO DO WITH RYAN — HERE
YOU GO!
HERE’S THE THING — RYAN HAD TO
MEET WITH TRUMP TO MAKE IT LOOK
LIKE THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS NOT
IN CHAOS, THAT SOMEONE IS IN
CONTROL, BUT NOTHING HAPPENED.
OKAY?
THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT IS FOR
THEM TO GET TOGETHER, US NOT TO
SEE IT AND NOTHING HAPPENED.
IT WAS PURE THEATER!
THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE IT ON
CAPITOL HILL.
THEY SHOULD HAVE HAD THE MEETING
ON BROADWAY, YOU KNOW, WITH
MUSICAL NUMBERS!
HEY, COOL BOY!
(LAUGHTER)
TRUMP IS GONNA ROCK IT TONIGHT!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WATCH OUT, PAUL RYAN!
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
EASY, MITCH McCONNELL!
(LAUGHTER)
RYAN DID NOT ENDORSE TRUMP OR
POKE HIM WITH A STICK OR
ANYTHING FUN.
(LAUGHTER)
INSTEAD, THEY JUST RELEASED A
JOINT STATEMENT SAYING, THEY
WERE “TOTALLY COMMITTED TO
WORKING TOGETHER.”
AND WHEN DONALD TRUMP COMMITS TO
SOMETHING, HE TOTALLY MEANS IT.
ASK ANY OF HIS WIVES!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
SO BOTTOM LINE, THE LAST 24
HOURS OF ALL POLITICAL NEWS WAS
COMPLETE B.S.
OF COURSE, THE CREME DE LA CRAP
WAS FROM MSNBC.
HAD A COUNTDOWN CLOCK TO THE
MEETING THIS MORNING WHERE NO
CAMERAS WERE ALLOWED AND AFTER
WHICH WE LEARNED NOTHING.
JIM, CAN WE PUT UP MY COUNTDOWN
CLOCK OF HOW MUCH LONGER WE ALL
HAVE TO PRETEND THIS WAS NEWS?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THAT WAS A LONG THREE SECONDS.
REALLY.
OF COURSE, WHEN IT COMES TO
DONALD TRUMP, THERE ARE SO MANY
OTHER THINGS THAT ARE NOT
HAPPENING.
FOR INSTANCE, HE HASN’T PICKED A
RUNNING MATE, BUT RUMORS SAY
HE’S CONSIDERING NEWT GINGRICH
(AUDIENCE REACTS)
THEY’RE ALL CHANTING NEWT!
YES.
BETWEEN THEM, THEY’VE HAD SIX
WIVES.
APPARENTLY, TRUMP IS TRYING TO
WIN THE WOMAN’S VOTE BY MARRYING
THEM ALL.
IF THEY GET ELECTED BOTH THE
FIRST AND SECOND LADY WILL BE
THE THIRD LADY.
(APPLAUSE)
BUT THERE’S A SCANDAL LOOMING
FOR TRUMP.
SEE, SINCE THE START OF THE
CAMPAIGN, TRUMP HAS BEEN
PROMISING TO RELEASE HIS TAX
RETURNS, BUT HE JUST ANNOUNCED
THAT HE MAY NOT DO THAT UNTIL
AFTER THE ELECTION.
SO FAR, THE ONLY GLIMPSE OF HIS
TAXES HE’S GIVEN US IS THIS
PICTURE HE TWEETED OUT OF A HUGE
STACK OF DOCUMENTS.
IT’S A HUGE STACK.
BUT TO BE FAIR, THAT STACK LOOKS
A LOT LARGER NEXT TO HIS TINY,
TINY HANDS.
(APPLAUSE)
PEOPLE LIKE MITT ROMNEY SAY HE’S
HIDING SOMETHING.
WE’VE GOTTEN OUR HANDS ON THE
DOCUMENTS BY A PROCEDURE CALLED
MAKING THEM UP.
BRING OUT DONALD TRUMP’S TAXES,
EVERYONE!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OKAY, LET’S SEE WHAT WE GOT
HERE.
YOU KNOW THEY’RE REAL BECAUSE
ONLY A REAL TAX RETURN CAN DO
THIS —
(LAUGHTER)
OKAY, LET’S SEE WHAT WE’VE GOT
HERE.
SIGNS HIS NAME
TRUMP, COMMA, DONALD J.
UNDER RACE, HE JUST CIRCLED THE
ONES HE WANTS TO DEPORT.
OKAY.
LET’S SEE…
SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, “A GOOD
ONE.
TRUST ME.”
(LAUGHTER)
UNDER “EXEMPTIONS” HE’S LISTED
“RESPONSIBILITY FOR THINGS I’VE
SAID AND DONE,”
ARE
(LAUGHTER)
FOR INCOME HE JUST WROTE
“YUUGE.”
(LAUGHTER)
AND UNDER “ADJUSTED GROSS”, HE
WROTE: “ROSIE O’DONNELL.”
THAT’S NOT NICE.
(AUDIENCE REACTS)
LET’S SEE, AGAIN, HIS TAX
RETURN, NOT MINE.
(LAUGHTER)
AND LET’S SEE, UNDER BIRTH DATE
HE WROTE “SLUMBERING IN THE
EARTH’S CORE FOR CENTURIES,
WAITING FOR HUMANITY TO WAKE MY
WRATH.”

100 Replies to “No News Is Trump News”

  1. He is like a Hitler or Mussolini, but with thousands of nuclear weapons. The world would be doomed.

  2. if someone says too much "believe me" or "trust me" there is definetly something wrong about him .ı have experience on this shit believe me .

  3. This has much to do with nothing but, in the name of sartorial elegance, change your tailor and get a jacket that fits rather than that distracting and inelegant peekaboo shirt and tie bottom. Alternatively just leave the jacket open – or should I fuck off?

  4. Voting machines are rigged, so for Hilary to win she has to run against someone as controversial to feed America her win. The voting machines will assure her win and their fighting over their scandals will convince America her scandals were less important than Trumps

  5. Doing a great job of keeping Trump in the news and aiding his election in incredible ways. He must so love you, SC.

  6. Not sure why people think stephen "wants youtube views by talking about trump". Youtube plays little to no part in his income

  7. Can't wait for trump to win. Can you imagine this guys reaction, he'll have a mental breakdown and probably anhero

  8. why is the fact that trump was married 3 times so important, i already listened stephen using it like five times, as an european i really cant understand how from all trumps flaws you chose that one…. americans right?

  9. to bad I liked the late show with David Letterman. now it's dead, just more regressive leftist bull corn.

  10. everyone keeps saying "republican party is broken" tho 95% are on the same page no one mention that the DEM is so broken to the point 70% of Bernie supporters ay they will never for for Hillary and cant have a single convention without getting into full on WWE style brawls with chair trowing and everything

  11. ooooo Trump doesn't want to release text returns, big scandal. Who cares Hilary is under FBI investigation.

  12. why is this damn racist still on tv hillary must be giving huim good blow jobs.assholes like this need to be shipped to russia why aint this asshole running for president

  13. Damn, even the climate of Youtube is changing. Comments aren't supposed to get this toxic until an 8-digit view number.

  14. I can't believe he threw the dictionary back into the audience (if he really did). That was a big book! 🙂

  15. http://thehill.com/blogs/pundits-blog/presidential-campaign/289047-exploring-russian-ties-to-the-men-lurking-behind TRUMP IS A COMMUNIST

  16. too bad he only makes fun of republicans. it shows how sad and crappy he is at comedy if he can't find anything to make fun of on the Democratic side. used to enjoy these people until they all became super liberals. wish every Republican would stop watching these shows that just talk shit on them every night.

  17. Trump didn't cause the death of any American, and he didn't expose our secrets to the world. We, the Deplorables, support Trump, TRUMP!!! TRUMP!!! He didn't force the Director of the FBI to lie to us, and he isn't bringing thousands of fake 'refugees' for them to destroy our culture, and kick our asses. We, the Deplorables, don't give a damn to whatever was said years ago. TRUMP!!! TRUMP!!!

  18. We are not voting for a Saint….we are voting for our President, and that is TRUMP….Donald, your Deplorables will not fail you in this moment…..TRUMP!!! TRUMP;!!!

  19. Ta'hell with Orange Ape. He offered to drain the Swamp. Yeah right. He's rounded already by the Swamp People he is chosen are the Swamp.😈. Nothing is what it seems.I hope you don't mind your loved one to be Grabbed 🇺🇸

  20. Wow. Even Paul Ryan needs a thesaurus. Six times he said that he was very encouraged. Six times. That means, five times, he could have used alternatives to that word.
    "I'm very encouraged."
    "I'm very emboldened."
    "I'm very inspired."
    "I'm very reassured."
    "I'm very strengthened."
    "I'm very energized."
    There we go. I presume Paul Ryan has had a few English teachers in his day.

  21. I have a feeling we'll find out in the investigations and lawsuits why Ryan was both 'encouraged' and terrified. And why Trump didn't reveal his tax records. Soon…

  22. Encouraged or discouraged is Both words..to TRUMP TEAMS’S Encouraged words CAN BE VERY DISCOURAGED SCARED WORDS TO AMERICAN HUMAN BEINGS.

  23. 3 years ago Trump was the top story. May 2019 Trump is the top story. When will this story end

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