Trump’s Big Plan To “Pack Churches” On Easter | The Daily Social Distancing Show

Hey, everybody, Trevor Noah
here with another episode of The Daily Social
Distancing Show. It is now day 13
of being stuck in the house to try and stop the coronavirus. And yes, I’m going
a little bit crazy, but I’m also learning things. For instance, here’s a tip
to help you in quarantine. If you’re alone
and you’re feeling lonely, all you need to do
is take some pillows and you fill them up
with potatoes, wrap them up in a blanket, stack them on your couch
and now you have a friend. Jerry. Always fighting
over the remote. Anyway, tonight
we’re gonna catch up on all the latest
coronavirus news, like Congress is giving
everyone money, the royal family is getting
personal with coronavirus and Donald Trump
teaches us about manners. So let’s get into it. Welcome to The Daily
Social Distancing Show. -♪ ♪ -ANNOUNCER: From Trevor’s
couch in New York City to your couch
somewhere in the world, this is The Daily Social Distancing Show
With Trevor Noah. Let’s kick it off
as we always do, with some good news of the day. This morning Republicans
and Democrats in the Senate reached a deal to pump
two trillion dollars into the economy to help
deal with this pandemic. It is the biggest stimulus
in United States history, and it basically
spreads money everywhere. Direct payments to Americans,
expanded unemployment insurance, aid to small businesses,
aid to the airline industry and billions of dollars
to help prop up the health care industry,
which is vital right now. So all over America
people are gonna be getting checks
from the government. And I know a lot of people
out there are desperate for toilet paper, but please
do not use those checks to wipe your ass.
You take the check, you cash the check
and then you take the cash and you go to the toilet
and you wipe your ass. Or you use the cash
to buy toilet paper. I should have
gone with that one first. But now you-now you know.
If you were-if you were already doing it, you were
too fast, I can’t help you. Now, apparently Democrats
and Republicans only managed to reach a deal after
they agreed that they were going to include an
oversight committee to make sure that all of this money is being
spent appropriately. Right? And there’s also a provision
that blocks bailout money from going to businesses
that are owned by government officials, including the president
and his family. Imagine that, hmm?
In fact, just take a second to appreciate how strange it is
that lawmakers felt that they needed to write in that the
president cannot use this money for himself and his family.
And even Republicans were like, “Yeah, yeah, no, you’re right,
we should include that. We should include that.”
Because, don’t forget, this is the same guy
who took $150,000 from a small business
recovery program after 9/11. And he didn’t need that. So, yeah, Trump would have looted the shit
out of this fund. And even with this restriction,
I bet Trump will find a loophole to try and get some of this
money. He’ll be like, “Okay, Eric, if anyone asks, you’re no longer my son.” “Oh, damn, Dad, is this a plan
to get that bailout money?” “No, this is just something
I’ve always wanted.” In more good news, the
Chinese government has announced that there has been
so much improvement in Wuhan– the place where
this whole epidemic began– that the lockdown
will be lifted there in just a couple of weeks. Yeah. So, basically,
coronavirus is like TikTok– it started in China
but it’s blowing up in America. And pretty soon
the people of Wuhan are gonna be discriminating
against us. Yeah, they’re just gonna be
holding press conferences like, “We need to shut down
our borders to prevent the America virus
from coming in.” “The America virus?” “Yeah,
that’s how it works, right? “You name it after where it is,
’cause it not in Wuhan anymore. So, you… America virus?
Yeah?” But this news out of Wuhan
gives me hope, because it shows that the coronavirus
can be beaten. Right? All you need to do is wash
your hands, social distance and have an
all-powerful government that can force you
to do whatever they want. Yeah, because meanwhile,
in America, people are like, “If I want to lick a toilet
seat, it’s my God-given right to lick a goddam toilet seat!
Mwah!” So that’s the good news. Money coming into America and China seems to have
coronavirus under control. Now, we need a little bit
of good news every day, because outside of that,
the coronavirus is showing no signs
of slowing down. The number of confirmed
cases worldwide has jumped to over 430,000. Spain has surpassed China as the country with
the most deaths after Italy, and even the royal family
isn’t immune. Prince Charles has now tested
positive for coronavirus. Yeah. So, basically,
Harry and Megan left and coronavirus joined. Which is a pretty bad trade,
if you ask me. But don’t worry, the prince only has mild symptoms
and they say he’s recovering,
he’s in self-isolation in his palace. Yeah.
And I won’t lie– “the prince being in
self-isolation in the palace” sounds like the beginning
of a very strange Disney movie. The prince was trapped
in his castle, until one day a fair maiden
came to rescue him. “Only your kiss can save me, fair maiden.” “Oh, a kiss? Man, you lucky
if I wink at you from far. Get away from me.” Meanwhile, across the pond,
America is quickly becoming one of the world’s
coronavirus hot spots, with over 60,000 people
now infected. Businesses are continuing
to react in different ways to try and work through this.
For example, airlines are now
reassigning passengers so that nobody
sits in a middle seat. And this is in an attempt
to give everyone more distance from each other. Now, this is gonna be tough
for airlines. And, I mean, it’s probably gonna completely destroy
Spirit Airlines because they only have
middle seats. Spirit Airlines: if you’re still flying,
you deserve us. Another company dealing with the coronavirus fallout
right now is Amazon. Due to surging demand, they’ve been hiring
more workers. And to help pay for it, Amazon is asking us,
the public, to donate. So yeah,
the richest company in the world owned by the richest man
in the world is asking us for money. Which, let’s be honest,
is some bullshit. Can someone please order
Jeff Bezos a conscience? With Prime,
it can arrive within two days. In fact, screw Amazon.
Don’t be asking us for money. You know what I’m gonna do
as a protest? From now on, I’m only ordering stuff
from them once a day. Maybe twice a day,
but that’s it. But the big story today, the story
that’s got everybody talking, is that while more and more
countries around the world are shutting down to stop
coronavirus from spreading, Donald Jameson Trump is preparing
for a grand opening. President Trump now says he wants to reopen the country
for business by Easter even as health officials warn
the coronavirus pandemic will continue to worsen
in the U.S. I’d love to have it open
by Easter. Okay? I would love -to have it open by Easter.
-NEWSWOMAN: Oh, wow. Okay. I will…
I will tell you that right now. Easter’s a very special day
for me. And I say, wouldn’t it be great to have all
of the churches full? You know,
the churches aren’t allowed, essentially, to have much
of a congregation there. So I think Easter Sunday, and you’ll have packed churches
all over our country. I-I think it would be
a beautiful time. Yes, President Trump says he wants to reopen America
on Easter. Which makes sense. I mean, Easter is
about resurrection, after all. It’ll be,
“Happy Easter, everyone. He is risen.” “He” meaning coronavirus. And I love that Trump says Easter is a very special day
for him, because I’m willing to bet all five rolls
of my toilet paper that he doesn’t even know
what Easter is about. He’s acting like it’s special. I bet if you asked him,
he’d be like, “Easter is a very special time
for me. “It’s the day a giant rabbit “saved Jesus
from dying on the egg. So special, folks.” Now, you don’t have
to be a genius to see why the president’s plan is alarming a lot of people
right now. Right? It’s not just because
it seems way too early but it’s also
because he’s saying he wants everyone
to congregate together in churches around the country, which is the worst idea possible
in a pandemic. This is basically every
supervillain’s wet dream, right? A big event with huge crowds where everyone gets infected
by a deadly toxin. Trump is like the Joker,
just with more makeup. And this idea’s so insane that everyone
from Democratic governors to conservative politicians to the entire field
of medical experts agrees that unless
the virus is contained, people have no business
gathering in large groups. And, you know, it’s so surreal
that we ended up in a situation where the one person
who doesn’t understand how complex
and dangerous this is happens to be the most powerful
man in the world. It feels like
if there was an asteroid hurtling towards the Earth, everyone would be trying
to blow it up off course, and Trump would be like, “I think we should give
the asteroid a chance, folks. “Maybe it’s friendly. Look, it even has my hair.” Because what’s most mind-blowing about Trump’s sudden impulse
to get back to normal is that right now the situation
is far from under control. Especially here in New York, which right now has over half the country’s
confirmed coronavirus cases. It’s gotten so bad in New York that the White House’s
coronavirus task force is advising that even people who left New York already should self-quarantine
for 14 days, regardless of where they are
in the country or in the world. And that’s gonna be hard
for anyone who has to look after a New Yorker
who’s, like, visiting them. It’s gonna be people complaining
about their quarantined friends. Just like, “He won’t eat. “He says the pastrami’s too dry
and the bagels aren’t boiled. “I-I tried ordering pizza, and then he just cussed at me
for ten minutes.” And with coronavirus cases
not even expected to peak until two or three weeks
from now, the city is already
in desperate need for more hospital beds, more medical supplies,
more ventilators, which literally
keep people breathing when they can’t do it
on their own. And Governor Cuomo
definitely doesn’t feel like Trump and the federal government
are doing enough to help. NEWSWOMAN:
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo blasting
the federal government, saying it needs to provide more medical equipment,
like ventilators. You want a pat on the back
for sending 400 ventilators? What are we gonna do for 400…
with 400 ventilators when we need 30,000 ventilators? You’re missing the magnitude
of the problem, and the problem is defined
by the magnitude. Yeah, man. I’m not gonna lie. I can see why
Cuomo is pissed at Trump. If you need 30,000 ventilators, it’s insulting
for someone to give you 400. It’s like seeing
someone drowning in the ocean, and instead of throwing them
a life preserver, you just toss them
a rubber duck. “Here, at least you’re
entertained. Quack, quack.” And apparently,
part of the reason New York isn’t getting
enough federal help is because Trump feels that Governor Cuomo
is just too mean to him. This is an actual thing.
Today the Daily Beast quotes a White House official saying,
“If you’re good and respectful “to Trump,
he will treat you the same. It’s that simple.” And yesterday in an interview, Trump said pretty much the same
thing right out in the open. And, uh, we are doing very well
with, I think, almost all of the governors,
for the most part. But, you know,
it’s a two-way street. They have to treat us well also.
They can’t say, “Oh, gee, we should get this,
we should get that.” Yes, you treat Trump well
and he’ll treat you well. Or as he would call it,
a quid pro corona. And so,
as mind-boggling as it seems, while New York is in
an actual crisis right now, with thousands of lives at stake
and people actually dying, Donald Trump is asking people
to be polite to him in exchange for his help. And so I guess,
to all New Yorkers, I say, give the president
what he wants. Tell him,
“Please, Mr. President, do your mother(bleep) job.”

100 Replies to “Trump’s Big Plan To “Pack Churches” On Easter | The Daily Social Distancing Show”

  1. But all take risk !!! If you distribute to each person in this planet 100.000 $ maybe psylogical will be cured and overcome the virus .

  2. No bring your haters in pls churches go scientist an govt enitys pls go see for future fill thoses empty churches pray yo him again dont need to dress up in your sunday best an go to pray its thoughts to him only in hearts asvyou healed say. An ask his forgiveness. Thougjt s are prayer all thought matter

  3. Wait a minute… The owner of Amazon is asking for donations from the costumers!? Wtf…?? 😂
    And to hire more ppl because they're short of ppl!?
    Damn.. How stupid this situation can get in the USA!?
    I feel sorry for you guys.. Now even the most rich person in the world, got the "Donny Orange" virus of stupidity! Smh..

  4. Thank you, Trevor and crew. You are the only constant in life right now and it gives my spouse and me a routine to our day. You are making this bearable and giving us hope and chuckles. We love y’all. Stay safe.

  5. Here in Trinidad and Tobago when someone is that stupid we call them “dotish “,open for Easter!!, how dotish is he???

  6. The riches man want us to donate?! 😂🤣 who has more money the world population?!! What a joke! Joke of the century!

  7. Just watched this and he said day 13 of “stopping the virus” there is no “stopping”, we are only slowing the spread. CDC has already said 80% of Americans will get it.

  8. Are you out of your mind trevor Donate ?!! What the big boss should donate 100.000 $ to each person living in this planet . At least this will make them die happy , hehehe
    They can print them fast and distribute them to all world nations .

  9. The problem isn't that they got 400 ventilators when they needed 30'000 of them, because every bit helps. The problem is when the guy who gave those 400 ventilators acts as if he's the hero who completely solved the issue.

  10. you missed something about the checks it's only going out to people who have filed their taxes this year by direct deposit. and 1st it is not even tax day! and 2nd they extended tax day. so they did a big ok e dock on us UGH!

  11. I already make sure to buy things from anywhere else as is. I cant not use AWS if i want to use the internet at all but I can avoid buying from Amazon.

  12. What's this 'No Kid Hungry' thing? To give kids a decent meal while the schools are shut down…?? Are you telling me that in the richest country in the world, children can not get enough to eat if schools are closed? Since when were schools the place feed children? In my country the kids get taught food for thought. And they come home to eat or they bring their sandwiches. How does that work in de USA then?

  13. Dearest Daily Show,

    One of the issues i'm hearing from <the church community> is that people are asking for <last rights> and other services that are, in most traditions, something we do in person.
    Just like our excellent first responders and our physical health care providers
    spiritual and mental health care professions want to provide their best every day for their community and congregations.

    In most Easter celebrating communities I have been in communication with say they are quickly figuring out how to get internet access to anyone hoping to attend or observe Easter Services. Churches who are unable to go online are remaining closed and working with their congregants to find online alternatives.–> in that sense i agree with Trump and firmly believe the "churches" (the people) will be full on Easter Sunday. But I also agree with Trevor, your space of worship may not 'look' open, but it is a well-oiled machine that has persisted for millennia so… our <faith> will survive this virus and that's because spiritual spaces adjust to what our current contexts require and our current context requires us to be on this weird global lockdown…i mean meditation retreat.

    with love (metta),
    A.a.a.a h

    p.s. for those of you who are "shopping for a church" who are looking for a mosque or synagogue, prayer circle…since many of these services will be online it might be a good time to take a deep breath
    and finally check out that spiritual space you've always kinda maybe been curious about all those years but were to scared to enter just in case it actually was a cult.

  14. Once again remember he has stated the has done more for black people then Jesus. He is a business man and he know people go out and buy new clothes for Easter he ant fool me.

  15. Yeah I will be celebrating Easter from my house with the family, maybe in the backyard or the front yard depending on the weather.

  16. He would love to have it opened by Easter, however, it's not going to happen. Didn't Trump start moving away from his medical advisor during a press conference after she mentioned that she had a fever over the weekend?😂 Trump doesn't understand what his exact job is. His staff is literally pulling him away from the mic during his press conferences. It's pretty 😥

  17. Noah- I saw a video where people from NY are still out at night walking all close to each other – how can the spread stops if this still goes on!!??

  18. Liiiike please so he can see it!!!! Trever can you please laugh when you make Trump's voice, it sounds weird not having people laugh in the background 😭 so please pretend you're infront of an audience who laughs 😂😂

  19. life ending meteor hits the planet. Daily show quickly makes a video to blame republicans before the blast wave hits the studio. We are in some seriously troubling times and we all need to pull together. These entertainment shows that are paid for by one political party to continuously try and separate us need to stop.

  20. I have to hire more people because you guys are buying so much stuff off me, so I need you to donate money to afford it!
    What kind of Jedi mind trick is this asshole trying to pull? If you know anyone that actually donated to this, just bitch smack them, then cut all ties.

  21. Please- please keep the daily show G O I N G. STRONG, since Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert , amazing GRACE and joy,
    church and state in their proper place ———truth separated from FAKE

  22. Problem of Trump wanted to reopen the economic is due to his chain of hotels is losing money. Else his business will go bankrupt if no body spending money at all his properties!!!

  23. Who is Trevor’s interior designer? And are they available to give off the cuff advice to make my quarantine space look less like an insane asylum?

  24. Wait a minute, I am not trying to be facetious, or deliberately obtuse, but Como thinks he needs 30,000 ventilators? That's 10x the current death toll in Wuhan.

  25. Amazon CEO has billions of dollars. Asks public for money while throwing his money away on bullshit. Use your money ASSHOLE!!!

  26. That stimulus package I thing is more B.S. people are getting a little bit over 1000 dollars only one time !?? That's how much rent is now days , what's going to happen with people that haven't been working for almost 3 weeks ?? What can they do with this money …. you have to choose , eat or pay bills …… 👎👎👎👎👎

  27. A South African rich boy who talks for a living.

    Probably Jewish too….

    Awwww does sumbubby need a swafe space?

  28. Trump is literally the most stupid, lazy, idiotic, moronic, simple minded, dumbest, dullest, dopiest, jackass I have ever encountered. The fact that roughly 60 million people in this country thinks this guy is fit for anything but a mental institution is absolutely depressing. It means there are 60 million zombies even more stupid than Trump shuffling around this country every day who are allowed to cast a vote.

  29. This girl no go to church on Easter! Bad memories from my Irish Catholic childhood. Incense, uncomfortable 'cute' 'tight' frilly girl dresses and painful pateen leather shoes. And if you run out of TP – here's the trick. Fill a sterilized plastic spray bottle with clean water. Spritz yourself.

  30. Do a little more research, the Senate proposal is garbage. Only individuals who make less than $7,500 a year. So not everyone

  31. Because Trump has a big mouth which can contain corona. The bigger the mouth is, the quicker virus can find it. Irony rule.

  32. The irony of Trump and the evangelical Christians.
    He is acting like the Antichrist but they love him, while atheist, hindus ,Buddhist and pagans are more aware of the evil in him

  33. Besos asking for donations is more obscene than his cheating on his wife with the wife of his friend. What a sense of entitlement!!! No sense of community or civility. I wish i can boycott amazon but they own the world!

  34. Why don't you talk about the Democrats wanting to BS around over the money to help the American worker's it's always about Trump you people are such hypocrites

  35. How did I know so much from two sick sentences from the mouth of Plano Police Officer Michael Bogacki badge number 1598 and unit number 5329610?
    Because I have been repeated prey to Dallas county and Collin county police.
    Now, having said that, I know living with an American man for over three decades that the whites of America are the biggest prey in number to the policing in America.
    It just got a whole lot nastier in Princeton, Texas.
    Where I pushed the all confederate all white town of 2000 to write one of their own a ticket for his son terrorizing the whole town.
    Did it help me that the District Clerk of Colon for Collin County Courthouse working at JCP of Fairview told me that her son punched Brandon Dickerson's eyes out?
    No. It did not help at all.
    Ultimately I got over drugged through detective first Colon County elected judge next Paul Raleeh who Collin County Commissioners Court paid an undisclosed amount of our taxes on to one of their own, Barbara Ingram and against one of their own Paul Raleeh with nothing happening to Paul Raleeh. Star local media published that.
    But, there was more. There were a whole lot of banging on my door for long duration taking my door down abuse by Princeton, Texas's police.
    And when I would open the door there were always four to five of them laughing.
    After they had arrested me for flipping a neighbor who Life Path's social worker Missy Day had seen by my bedroom window telling her F YOU. And they coming to my face running on tracks taking my pictures. They took my picture flipping them off.
    Yap. On my walk.
    I was so angry about all the abuse that when I opened the door with the blonde one laughing I spat on his face.
    The charge came back "Aggravated Assault of a Public Servant." That is how I know reading this that this poor man did not assault Michael Bogacki, Plano Police Officer, badge number 1598, Unit number 5329610.
    I have already left a message to Chris Carver about all the abuse by Vietnam Vet first and cop next of Dallas and then Marc Dickerson the Princeton.
    So, smelling Michael Bogacki became easier after two harassing questions in front of Walmart and please read how he victimized this poor soul through this finding on the internet; I have already asked all of you to look at his facebook posts. I have left a message with Chris Carver to send me more complaint forms for the postings of when shooting criminals it solves crimes by Michael Bogacki. I also have asked Shanda with none-emergency Plano Police to send me two complaint forms. I don't have a printer.
    Please read about other victims of Michael Bogacki:

  36. I have no idea how these numbers are being determined if there are so few testing kits. Every day is like a new growth estimate without any actual facts.

  37. Sacrificial lambs to appease The Economy god and The Re-Election god. It's like the TrumpPence of Revelation in the New 20 Bible: "Then the seven Ev-Angels who had the BlowVine TrumpPence prepared to Re-Sound them."

  38. I’ve been in quarantine for almost a month now (Italian) and honestly it shocks me how many cases the us has now since I remember that not too long ago it almost didn’t have any . Also I feel so bad for Americans cause not only they have the virus now but they also have a terrible President

  39. Unbelievable!!! The puppet masters must really be in his $hit right now for him to even suggest this 🤦🏼‍♀️proof he is clueless to reality!!! This is not ur game show Trump. WAKE UP greedy corporate America and all u 1%ers , this is wut happens when u don’t take care of the worker bees who keep Worlds economy running. 🤬😡🤬

  40. For the love of Mike the congress IS NOT giving everyone money. The most destitute will not be getting anything. If you work part time, not eligible for unemployment and not making enough to file income tax, you wont be getting a dime. First of next month my utilities get shut off, my phone has already run out and my internet will be going too. Of coarse internet does no good with out electricity.

  41. Hey Trevor Noah. When are you going to address the racist killings in South Africa and the resurgent slave trade in black Africa. Should be a scream

  42. Trump had consulted Pat Buchanan, and Pat responded to him with this:

    That explains his wish.

  43. Sooo thousands maybe more New Yorkers must die bc Trump has ego issues with a governor of One of the largest States, which you "Trump" are the President. Does Trump know that This Crisis affects him also..
    Yet he's here Playing PittyPat with Emergency Medical Equipment when people are in Dyer need, awe man Trump this is a New low even floor you….
    America I have a theory Someone should start a Covid19 challenge and set it up for Trump where he alone gets it and is isolate from the country for 14days without Medical Equipment and Proper Care..
    if he survives, he gets a 2nd term
    if not………..🤷🏽‍♀️

    We're living a war without weapons my People…
    (or is Corona the weapon🤯🥺🧐)

    Im QUARANTINED and making long posts 😩😓🤣🤣😅❤

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